A Descent into Dullness

Jenny finds a new way to help the blind...

Michael Swaim (a blog writer for Cracked) posts a response to Orson Scott Card's recent statements against gay marriage...

Some excerpts:

That’s right, people. The Mormon guy who wrote all those books about the innocence of a child winning out over war and hatred wants us to raise arms against any queers who feel like expressing their love legally. I mean, I understand a devout Mormon having some issues with gayness, but when your brain tells you that it’s an important enough issue to divide the country in a bloody coup, it’s time to get a new brain.

I’m sure there’ll be a whole cavalcade of comments following this post pointing out the merits of homosexuality, its moral deficiency in the eyes of God, and stuff about boobies touching and wieners in butts. So I figured, rather than try to pre-emptively defuse the situation like I usually do, I’ll just say to hell with it and let you know how I really feel. If you totally disagree, feel free to comment, we can agree to disagree, and you can come back in a few days and read something funny I wrote about a celebrity pooping themselves.

There is no question, absolutely none at all, that you are fighting a battle you can’t win. In a hundred years, flamboyant gay guys will be getting married in fabulous dresses on your grave, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

But worse, when that day finally comes, you will be classed with all those others who stood in the way of expanding rights and humanity: the Ku Klux Klan, Apartheid, the anonymous boardroom of fat men arguing about which secretary has the best ass. And if there’s any justice, even though I’ve no doubt you could fire off a response to this post that would be perfectly eloquent and arresting (in fact, you totally should…my hits would go through the roof), your work will be read only as a curiosity, a way to peek into the mind of a caveman. Or else by lovers of great fiction, who will have to read them, set them down, shrug, and say “well, that was super good, even if the guy was a Neanderthal Nazi.”

And really, what the hell does it matter to you if two hot lesbians want to settle down and be respectable (which isn’t the way I like my hot lesbians either, believe me)? Until such a time as they bring down your property values with raging lesbian drug orgies, you’ve got nothing legitimate to complain about, and even then, I’ll trade houses with you.

What would Jesus do? If you can answer that question with anything other than “shower the world with endless love and understanding, then flip a wicked ollie on a flaming skateboard,” then you and I have a very different understanding of the man.

So get with fucking program and stop masking your own personal homophobia as a religious issue. It’s not. It’s a nothing issue that shouldn’t even be a question, and yet has been allowed to dominate the political landscape at a time when thousands of deaths around the world are crying out to be addressed.

You’ve spent your life imagining diverse races and cultures, and doing a hell of a good job. Yet your inability to imagine true love manifesting between two members of the same sex almost classifies you as retarded in my mind. It’s not even a moral issue. You’re just an idiot to me.

Yes I have cracked the Anti-Hug Matrix! No longer will you be able to adopt my minions! And the Living Horde of Squeeky Toys shall distract your Legion of Super-Pets! Which means you my nemesis must face your doom!

Your doom from the dreaded DOOM-BAT!

( No its not a Dr. Doom Bat )
Yes, he does nap 20 hours out of the day. But I have a back-up for those occassions! To ensure your destruction!

( THE CREEPY FOUR DEADLY LUMPS OF HURTING!!! )

Give up now nemesis and perhaps I will spare you!

Remember kids, read Skin Horse or adorable cobras might get cold...

So it has been awhile since I plotted your destruction Angelwings. But I have not forgotten you! Oh no! There was merely a problem with the DeMonkeys. And once the Head Researcher on the project gets used to his new cybernetic chassis, I'm certain he'll be able to solve the premature explosion problem. Though I do have to devise a new means of punishment for him. Apparently 10K volts of electricity are now the only reminder to him of what it was to feel things and so he looks forward to them. Perhaps something in a nightmare hallucination esper meme?

But other plans continue unabated! Your doom is imminent! Tremble at the power of these new minions!

( AMI'S DOOM! )

Written by Robert Kanigher, Art by various (mostly Ross Andru and Mike Esposito, with some Joe Kubert, Russ Heath and Gene Colan)

Whats to say that the cover doesn't tell? Over 500 pages of Kanigher written Dinosaur vs. G.I. action. With the occasional robot, elite team of acrobats turned soldiers, giant ape, friendly baby dino and giant Axis robot. Why? WHY? To steal from Chris Sims, Bob Kanigher thats why!

Honestly if you don't want hundreds of pages of man vs. dino battles on land, sea and air then you just don't love comics...