A Descent into Dullness

The old Pope looks like he’d adopt you and teach you kung fu. The new Pope looks like at any moment he might suddenly start eating people. Which would suck because at first you’d be all “Wow. That was unexpected. But the Pope is infallible so…maybe he’s supposed to be eating those people?” If I were there I’d hang around to see exactly who he was eating before I made a judgement because I’m open-minded. But if he like ate a baby duck or a kitten I’d be all “This dude’s bonkers” and I’d totally bail. That’s why if I ever go see the Pope I’m bringing a test kitten with me so I can toss it at him if he starts eating people. And also because everyone loves kittens and he’d be all “Oh! You have a kitten! Come up here and sit with me” and I’d be like ”So there, Catholics. I didn’t even go to Catechism and I get to sit with the Pope. Maybe you should have spent a little less time not liking condoms and a little more time breeding kittens” and then I’d turn around and the kitten would be hanging out of the Pope’s mouth and I’d be all “Well, shit“. And that’s totally what would happen because God hates hubris. That’s why I’d bring someone else’s kitten. An expendable kitten. Also, I just realized that maybe the Pope would be eating kittens and people not because he’s an angry cannibal but maybe because he accidentally got turned into a zombie. And now I just feel sorry for him.

That’s right, people. The Mormon guy who wrote all those books about the innocence of a child winning out over war and hatred wants us to raise arms against any queers who feel like expressing their love legally. I mean, I understand a devout Mormon having some issues with gayness, but when your brain tells you that it’s an important enough issue to divide the country in a bloody coup, it’s time to get a new brain.

I’m sure there’ll be a whole cavalcade of comments following this post pointing out the merits of homosexuality, its moral deficiency in the eyes of God, and stuff about boobies touching and wieners in butts. So I figured, rather than try to pre-emptively defuse the situation like I usually do, I’ll just say to hell with it and let you know how I really feel. If you totally disagree, feel free to comment, we can agree to disagree, and you can come back in a few days and read something funny I wrote about a celebrity pooping themselves.

There is no question, absolutely none at all, that you are fighting a battle you can’t win. In a hundred years, flamboyant gay guys will be getting married in fabulous dresses on your grave, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

But worse, when that day finally comes, you will be classed with all those others who stood in the way of expanding rights and humanity: the Ku Klux Klan, Apartheid, the anonymous boardroom of fat men arguing about which secretary has the best ass. And if there’s any justice, even though I’ve no doubt you could fire off a response to this post that would be perfectly eloquent and arresting (in fact, you totally should…my hits would go through the roof), your work will be read only as a curiosity, a way to peek into the mind of a caveman. Or else by lovers of great fiction, who will have to read them, set them down, shrug, and say “well, that was super good, even if the guy was a Neanderthal Nazi.”

And really, what the hell does it matter to you if two hot lesbians want to settle down and be respectable (which isn’t the way I like my hot lesbians either, believe me)? Until such a time as they bring down your property values with raging lesbian drug orgies, you’ve got nothing legitimate to complain about, and even then, I’ll trade houses with you.

What would Jesus do? If you can answer that question with anything other than “shower the world with endless love and understanding, then flip a wicked ollie on a flaming skateboard,” then you and I have a very different understanding of the man.

So get with fucking program and stop masking your own personal homophobia as a religious issue. It’s not. It’s a nothing issue that shouldn’t even be a question, and yet has been allowed to dominate the political landscape at a time when thousands of deaths around the world are crying out to be addressed.

You’ve spent your life imagining diverse races and cultures, and doing a hell of a good job. Yet your inability to imagine true love manifesting between two members of the same sex almost classifies you as retarded in my mind. It’s not even a moral issue. You’re just an idiot to me.