A Descent into Dullness

How to make Secret Invasion good. First have Keith Giffen writing it instead of Brian Micheal Bendis. Second, no vast army of Skrulls backed by huge numbers of previously unknown Power Skrulls and Super Skrulls and Other Adjective Skrulls. Because if the Skrull Empire HAD those troops it would have made sense that they used them when ANNIHILUS WAS BITCHSLAPPING THEM. Instead you still have Skrull commandoes and long-term sleeper agents (but please have them be people where it makes sense. Hank Pym yes. Invisible Woman no.) And they're working for the Kree...

Yeah you heard me.

See you wait until Annihilation: Conquest is done. Then you have Ronan the Accuser (and current Kree Emperor) find out that the REASON Annihilus attacked was because Tony and Reed had the genius idea of building a prison in his back-yard. Perfect thing to do around the paranoid, xenophobic super-villain right? So Annihilation? Earth's fault. Next Ultron and the Phalanx? ALSO Earth's fault. And the Kree have shown themselves to being just a little bit vengeful...

This means once the Earth heroes get their shit together and take down the Skrull infiltrators? THATS when the Kree armada backed by a mess of Sentry robots attacks. Sure its still not terribly original, being similar to 75% of the DC cross-over events. But better than the garbage they've BEEN setting up...

We're going to break away from reimagining crap movies to reimagining a crap comic. Namely Marvel's current and 4th volume of New Warriors. This is a TERRIBLE book. One I buy for the worst reasons. Fanboy nostalgia. The Nieceza Warrior's run is among my favorite in comics. And so I keep buying this shitty book (currently written by the hack behind Underworld). The dialogue is awful and mostly consists of people giving speeches at each other. And the artwork has actually gotten WORSE since Paco "I can't decide how big people's boobs should be" Medina left. Of course what I want most is Nicieza back on board. But at this point I'd settle for Jay Faerber (who wrote volume 2) back. Or even Zeb Wells from Volume 3...

But lets say that Marvel attracted someone else. Someone who'd make a good counterpoint to Bendis' Avengers. Someone like...Dwayne McDuffie. He's being wasted in JLA cross-over hell right now. So lets get him back to Marvel. And as long as I'm dreaming how about Mark Bagley back on art. Or Darick Robertson. I'd prefer Robertson because it would mean the hateful anti-supers book The Boys had finally died...

So McDuffie & Robertson. And they get a certain amount of editorial instruction on what the book needs.

1. Its meant to be a counterpoint to Slott's Avengers: The Initiative. Slott's book (in theory) is the pro-reg book. So the Warriors will be the anti-reg book. For those in the dark Marvel had a GIANT cross-over called "Civil War" about the need for super-humans to register with the government. The pro-reg side under Iron Man won. The resistance side under Captain America lost. It was all pretty stupid. But its the status quo at Marvel now, and some writers are making some decent stories with it...

2. Certain characters have to be in it. A new Night Thrasher as leader. Original Thrash's half-brother. Those two may or may not be the same. The rest of the team should be ex-mutants, depowered by Decimation. Ok, this one for the non-comics followers was when Marvel had Scarlet Witch go crazy. First she changed the WHOLE world so mutants were in charge for House of M. After that ended, as the world was changing back, she said "No more mutants" and all but a couple hundred lost their powers and became humans. Its dumb...

But once again, thats the current state of affairs with the company, so play it as it lies. The cast HAS to have Jubilee, Beak and Winddancer as they apparently have fans. Who knew?

3. The Warriors get their new powers from re-engineered high-tech gear. Spidey's web-shooters, bits of old villain gear (Stiltman, Backlash, flying harnesses, some kind of teleporter). They've got a couple of non-powered techs as support cast...

And then you let a GOOD writer loose and see where he goes...

Gods do I hate this movie. Everything about it is so damned stupid. The villain is a moron. The supposed computer programmer lead barely understands even the concepts of hax and cheat codes. And the reality altering rebels are soooo unimiginative. Add on the Love Conquers All ending and never have I have been so dissapointed by a movie hyped by so many...

So to fix that (and we're not going to worry about the sequels and cartoons and video games and every other piece of media you actually needed to experiance to make the story make a damned bit of sense) first we'll change the basic VR set-up. Their is still a Master Program. It still keeps the majority of humanity living in a VR world with their bodies living and dieing in tubes. And why does it do this? No one knows. Its a vast computer AI. Its motivations are so far removed from humanity its fairly pointless to even try...

So the VR world. Instead of putting humans in some faux 90s Earth, instead they get to be living in the 12th Century AD. The Master Program is God, the Smith Programs are its Clergy and the Outsider humans are Wizards. In fact the first half of the movie comes off ENTIRELY as some kind of LoTR/fantasy type movie. Neo (and no that won't be his name. Who is named New?) seems to be the typical Chosen One/Arthur type, Morpheus is his Merlin and so on. All the standard Hero's Journey Stuff from King Arthur to Star Wars...

And then half-way thru the movie, after a big spectacular FX battle between Wizards and Clergy, Chosen Kid gets inducted to the Real World. Where he promptly Freaks. The. Fuck. Out. You now get a fairly rushed montage sequence showing the Outsiders putting the poor kid's brain back together. This is when the reveal that this movie is more CyberPunk/Apoclyptica SF than Tolkien Fantasy. And the Kid is still pretty well screwed-up mentally, but he's holding on because he's fallen for Trinity...

After that we go with the meeting the Oracle and the kids who show abilities to warp the VR world WITHOUT knowing they're in VR. Traitor human, capture of Morpheus, many deaths, assault on stronghold of evil, etc etc etc. Final Big Boss battle where the One/Kid tears the local program to pieces saving Trinity and his friends...

Wakes up back on the ship with the survivors heading for humanity's last city. Shots of the Program (still in 12th Century mode) where God is rebuilding the destroyed area. And where you see Elrond Smith rebuild himself, say something crypic and creepy and wander off as a new Rogue Program...

Roll credits...

And we come to the final arc in this act of self-indulgence. At least for this particular crap movie franchise. Star Wars: Episode 3: Rise of the Sith? Revenge of the Sith? It was something of the Sith right? As you may guess from my inability to even remember the full title, I didn't bother seeing this one. Just like with other crap trilogies, when I get burned twice I'm smart enough to NOT give it anymore of my time or money. I think I've seen the lava fight on HBO...

I have read recaps and detailed reviews, so I have SOME idea of what happened. So lets get to the fixin'...

The 3rd installment opens with the crawl of course, recapping that the Clone Wars have been going on for close to a decade. In that time the war time empowered High Chancellor i.e. Palpatine has been leading the Core Worlds of the Republic away from the rule of the Senate and the advice of the Jedi. He's also pushed a very anti-alien/droid agenda. Pretty easy given that only Count DookuNex of the major Clone/TF forces is actually human. Palpatine has also been cementing his hold on Anakin, straining the still young Jedi, pilot and war hero's relationship with his wife, ex-Queen and current Republican war leader. Anakin barely considers himself a Jedi at this point, falling under Palpatine's whole "Pompous, Aristocratic Alien Overlord" spiel...

But despite the fact that thru his minion Nex, Palpatine almost runs the Clone forces, the Republic is on its final push to victory. Giving a nice big battle sequence to kick things off. You get to see the Republic's new weapons in action, stuff like TIE fighters and AT-AT walkers. Plus Clone and Robot Troopers vs. the proto Storm Troopers they used in the real prequel. Lots of hero spots for characters like Anakin, Kenobi, Amydala, Bail and various Jedi. Especially as they go up against Count Nex and his general the bad ass cyborg Grevious...

After several difficult fights, the Clone/TF leaders are dead or captured and the Republic is at peace again. But Palpatine doesn't seem in any hurry to give up his war-time powers. He keeps people paranoid with talk of secret clones and enemy infiltration at the highest levels and so on. At this point the Jedi Council FINALLY begins to wise up that MAYBE Palpatine is the Big Bad Sith Lord. Annie and Amy's relationship is very much on the rocks at this point and she's been going to Obi Wan for advice. She confides that she has finally gotten pregnant but that she's been hiding it from Annie because of his allegiance to Palpatine. Kenobi tells her to confide in her husband, and that he's still a good person. They hug and part...

Palpatine shows Annie an edited version of the conversation, making it seem like Amy and Kenobi are having an affair. He goes all crazy with jealousy and goes to meet his wife. At the same time the Jedi High Council decides to confront Palpatine and remove him from office if neccesary. The whole lot of them (including Mace and Yoda) go off to the ship yards where Big Bad is watching the construction of his new Star Destroyer class ship. Big speeches on freedom and justice vs. Palpatine talking about people needing tyranny to be safe or something. You know the stuff. The Jedi all whip out blades and demand Palpatine step-down. He just laughs and begins unleashing the Darkside Lightnings, while at the same time hidden snipers led by a rebuilt and combined Grevious/NEx open fire on the Jedi. Mace and Yoda almost manage to win thru, only for Gre'Nex and Mace to die fighting each other. Yoda tries to stand against Palpatine but is forced to flee. As Palps unleashes the Darkside Hoodoo, you can see him slowly withering from it. As the last of the Jedi High Council retreats, Palpatine gives the order to enact whatever the Kill All The Jedi thing was...

But back with Annie, he and Amy meet. She tries to convince him to turn from the Darkside, but he basically calls her a cheating slut and so on. Just as he hits her in a rage, Kenobi shows up and tries to stop his former pupil. Things get escalate and the two start trashing the building around them. Amy tries to stop her husband, but he knocks her back and she falls off a ledge or something. Both Jedi look on in horror as she falls. Blaming Kenobi, Anakin goes on the attack. The two eventually end at the Lava Factory where you get the big Fight In Lava sequence, ending with Annie mostly burned. And he'll get rescued by...um...who haven't I used? Oh yeah, the Traitor/Body Guard/Former Amy Double. So she rescues the near dead Annie and takes him to Palpatines technicians...

Yoda, Kenobi and Bail meet up to try and make a plan to deal with Palpatine. They also find that Amy isn't dead, Plucky Droid got to her and dragged her to the medical droids. Sadly she still dies from her injuries after giving birth to the twins. She lives long enough to name them and ask her friends to protect them from their father. The three agree and she dies. Thats when Yoda and Kenobi sense the murder of the various Jedi on Coruscant and elsewhere. When Plucky Droid confirms it, Bail tells the two Jedi they have to escape. Kenobi says he'll take Luke into hiding, while Bail says he'll hide Leia as a member of his family on Alderaan. They split up, with the Jedi barely escaping more of Palpatine's killers...

Then back to Annie, who is cyborged into Vader-form by Palpatine's science dudes. They explain that his memory is all screwed up from the injuries and shock and stuff. Palpatine then tells Annie that his wife is dead, killed because of the Jedi interferance. Annie goes nuts, destroys most of the lab and lots of science guys and Traitor Bodyguard Double. Who dies crushed under stuff pleading for Palpatine to save her. Who just watches her die with some kind of curious nochalance. Eventually Annie's rage is calmed by his Master, who gives him his new name Darth Vader and sends him out to hunt down the last remaining Jedi...

The movie ends with Bail arriving on Alderaan with Leia and his family agreeing to pretend she was always theirs. And Kenobi landing on Tattoine to hand Luke over to his uncle and then go off to be a Old Ben the Hermit. And then of course a final shot of Vader all imposed over stars. Roll credits...

And now the second in the ongoing series, where I tell wealthy, sucessful people how not to churn out shit. Using only the power of my giant thinky brain, I will show how it is possible to make Star Wars prequels that are a cavalcade of CGI wank, bad acting and scripting inconsistant while other established continuity...

First off, we can't get rid of Lucas. Ok we could. Sure we COULD have him ninja'd in his sleep and then Manchurian Canidate his heirs so they let the proper prequels be made. But reducing someone's brain to zombie mush takes a lot of effort. And we're all about avoiding effort. So Lucas stays on as Executive Producer and Director. But we'll distract him with puppet shows so that all the work is done by talented A.Ds and script doctors and what not...

Next if it involves a CGI alien that is meant to be funny by using broad and possibly racist stereotyping? Gone. Bye Jar-Jar. Bye Jamacain frog people. Toodles Shylock the Flying Lizard Guy. Also gone? R2-D2 and C3PO. Yes thats right, characters from episodes 4-6 who have NO place here, so long! We'll leave in a plucky repair droid, who bonds with someone. Because, hey everyone loves a plucky sidekick. They've got pluck...

Also much of the plot for Episode 1 can stay the same. Trade Federation blockading Monarchist planet Naboo. Thats fine. Republic Senatorial government is deadlocked thanks to numerous feuding factions, so nothing being done. Ok. Jedi Council have sent in Qui-Gon and his student Kenobi in to mediate? All good...

Then the Jedi escape from the ship, fighting robots, etc etc. Thats good. Shows how much cooler Force powers can be made to look now. Plus improved fight choreagraphy. Thats all fine...

So Qui-Gon and Kenobi land on Naboo. Hide, find a local who gets them into the palace and meet the Queen. We're actually going to make her 12. That way her and Anakin's ages are closer and thus not creepy to imply romantic feelings between them. Though of course the Jedi actually meet a double. Though we'll have hints that Qui-Gon (being a Jedi with lots of awesome sensory powers) has figured that out...

Queen and Jedi escape Naboo, barely. Forced to land on Tattoinne. Plucky repair droid is introduced. Droid bonds with Queen's maid (who is, of course, actually the Queen). Group heads into Mos Eisely to find parts or whatever. Qui-gon, Kenobi, precocious child maid and plucky droid. Meet alien machinesmith (who actually comes off as ALIEN and not GREEDY JEW) and his assistant, an indentured servant and her son (We'll say hes 10). Son has knack for machinery and Qui-Gon and Kenobi can tell he has much potential in the Force. Kid also is planning to enter the Great Pod Race, but he needs a crew to help him finish his racer...

Since both the Jedi and the Nabooians can't access their money. 'Cause of the hiding from the Trade Federation. So they agree to help Annie finish his racer and then plan to bet on him to win to get the funds to repair their ship. Also Annie has to agree to come to Coruscant to learn about Jedi'ing. Annie doesn't want to leave Mommy, but she thinks having a Jedi son would be bitchrod, so encourages him to take the deal. No Jaba. Having him here was stupid and pointless...

Still Pod Race scene. Woosh! VROOM! Sand people? Oh noes! Cheating driver? Double oh noes? Annie wins! Yay!

Ok, ship gets repaired. Annie says bye to mommy. Annie and Maid Girl bond. BUM BUM BUM! A SITH! Jedi hold him off until everyone escapes again. VWOOSH! Off to Coruscant. Jedi very, very worried. Whats a Sith doing here. Bad bad bad...

Coruscant. Senator Palpatine shows up to meet group. Takes an interest in Annie. Qui-Gon spoils Queen Amy's big reveal. Ha ha! Silly tweener Queen. You can't fool no Jedi. Jedi is the smartest! Palpatine looks smug...

Qui-Gon and Kenobi intro Annie to Council. Council act like jerks, all "sense great potential for good/bad, blah blah in kid, unsure if should train". Qui-Gon all screw that noise. Annie will be AWESOMEST EVER, will train himself...

Over to Senate. Queen Amy makes passionate speech, Senate agrees to minor military aid to break up blockade. Trade Federation loyalists abstain in sulkiness. Palpatine and Annie have convo full of foreshadowings. DARK FORESHADOWINGS!

Battle over Naboo. Annie and plucky droid sneak into battle. Combo of luck and skill manage to destroy main command center so droids can only be commanded in unit sizes by TF aliens. Queen Amy and loyalists fight in palace. Jedi vs. Sith in power center for droids. Qui-Gon killed by Sith. Sith killed by Kenobi. Droids defeated. TF run away. Much rejoicing. Though sad, sad funeral for Qui-Gon. Kenobi will now teach Annie. Yoda says he'll help as favor to dead friend. Though still worried. Annie and Amy smile at each other, Palpatine engages in secret angry glaring from shadows. Roll credits...

Ok, the next two in a bit...

1) Star Wars prequels: Anakin turns to the Dark Side after his secret wife has affair with Mace Windu. Later falls in lava and dies. Mace is maimed with Dark Side lightning and then brainwashed into thinking he is Anakin by Palpatine. Renames himself Darth Vader...

2) Marvel's The Illuminati: Since they're a group with two of the planets most brilliant inventors and scientists, a master telepath with DECADES of experience counseling those with mental problems, the leader of an undersea nation with near unlimited wealth, the Universe's Greatest Wizard and someone with access to Terrigen Mists, a mutagen of vast and ill-defined properties; they come up with a way to CURE Dr. Bruce Banner of being the Hulk. Instead of, say shooting him into space for his own good...

3) Marvel Super-Hero Movies: Hulk/X3/FF/Elektra - all end with an autistic kid playing with a snow globe and reading comics...

4)Marvel's Civil War: Tony Stark = Doom Bot. Reed Richards = Impossible Man. Hank Pym still = Hank Pym. The doofus...

5) DC's Infinite Crisis: Rather than have every past and present Teen Titan attack Superboy Prime, he is confronted by Martha Kent...

6) WWE's Wrestlemania 23: Cena/HBK ends after both are ko'd by masked wrestler runs up and frog splashes both during pinfall attempt. Its Eddie! HE LIED! HE LIED!

7) Batman Begins: The size of Katie Holmes' role is VASTLY exagerated as part of weird marketing ploy. Romantic interest is instead Talia, played by Morena Baccarin. Which actually makes a lick of sense...

8)DC's Identity Crisis: Sue Dibny's rape is actually relevant to the plot. Also original Dr. Light secretly killed. Apparently with his skull crushed by some kind of mace-like crushing object. Current Teen Titan foe and dummy-head is Thangarian robot. World's Top Detectives Batman and Ralph Dibny pronounce themselves baffled as who might have taken out Dr. Light...

9) American Idol: Simon Cowell, fed up with Paula and Randy's rank idiocy, clubs both to death with a cricket bat on live television. Says he'll take on all challengers. Show is renamed American Gladiator Idol. Ratings remain high...

10) Grey's Anatomy: Meredith & Izzy, both depressed over screwed up love lives, get drunk. Again. And have sex with someone they shouldn't have. Again. This time each other. lurkerwithout's head explodes from joy...