Pot. Kettle.

Children are the future. Of evil.

Drink at work

The following is a transcript of a recent instant message chat with my brother Marcello, who in addition to being a technician for an Internet company is also the physical incarnation of the company's mascot.

Cello: Ces!

Ces: Cello! How are you?

Cello: Not bad. Was the [Company] Dog at a museum exhibit.

Ces: Oh...Didn't expect to read that. What did you do?

Cello: Usual. Waved at school kids. Danced a bit. You know, typical advanced dog tricks.

Ces: Sounds like fun.

Cello: Yeah, you'd think so. My entire body is covered in black-and-blue marks.

Ces: From what? Wearing the heavy costume?

Cello: From getting repeatedly punched.

Ces: Punched?!

Cello: Punched, Ces! The kids punched me! I'm here to tell you that children are bastards. Mean, viscious, wholly evil bastards!

Ces: What happened?!

Cello: Remember that Simpsons epsiode when Homer doubles for Krusty at parties and big events? And he tells Lenny what hard, tiring work it is, "But when I see how those little kids' eyes light up...I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something"?

Ces: Oh god.

Cello: They wouldn't stop, Ces! The little kids wanted hugs, so I gave them hugs. They were actually really adorable. But when the junior high school kids would ask for a hug...

Ces: Oh shit.

Cello: I would stretch out my arms and then BAM! Straight in the gut!

Ces: Every time?

Cello: Every fucking time! They were relentless!

Ces: Then why did you keep stretching out your arms?

Cello: Because I'm a chocolate lab, Ces! I'm supposed to be friendly! Plus, I think I'm monitored.

Ces: Couldn't you do anything?

Cello: Like what? Wave at kids from behind a pillar? Start swinging wildly at anyone over the age of 12? I'm not even allowed to talk! I'm defenseless, Ces! Defenseless!

Ces: But what about the people who were supposedly with you? You know, monitoring. Couldn't they do anything?

Cello: They were too busy taking pictures! Every time I got clocked I saw a flash go off. They said it was the best sponsored event they ever had.

Ces: I'm so sorry, Cello.

Cello: And you know what? It was never the kids from the city. It was never the poor kids from the tough parts of town. It was always these over-privileged white bastards who kept punching me! Every time I got punched it was some grinning white boy. I'm serious, Ces. I think I hate white people now.

Ces: How long did this go on?

Cello: About an hour. Maybe more. I lost count when I started to pass out.

Ces: From the punching?

Cello: No, heat stroke.

Next Time: Marcello entertains corporate supervisors and their families at his company's anniversary picnic...until he almost drops dead of heat stroke.

From Spoony

Gladiator pwnage

IM conversation

Discussing a poll on Which Serenity crew member is hottest

LurkerWithout says:
Someone voted for Kaylee over Inara already?

LurkerWithout says:
What are they drunk?

LurkerWithout says:
I'd do Kaylee in a red hot minute, but Inara is SO much more the Hawtness...

The Spoony One says:
Less pressure with Kaylee.

LurkerWithout says:
What pressure? Inara's a pro...

The Spoony One says:
Inara's seen every type of dude imaginable. Ho like that's got a meter running in her head.

LurkerWithout says:
Even if I'm total crap, she'll make me feel like a Jackhammering Gawd

The Spoony One says:
Kaylee has a hard time getting laid, too, so she'll be grateful for any cock she can get.

The Spoony One says:
Plus, I bet she's dirty.

LurkerWithout says:
Well, yeah

LurkerWithout says:
Kaylee is definately going to be a freak in bed

LurkerWithout says:
I'm not saying I wouldn't do Kaylee

LurkerWithout says:
I'd so be into that

The Spoony One says:
She seems like the type for quickies. With Inara you'd have to talk to her and shit.

The Spoony One says:
I don't need that.

LurkerWithout says:
I couldn't see sleeping with Zoe. I mean sure she's hot

LurkerWithout says:
But she's beaten up Jennifer Garner AND David Boreanz...

LurkerWithout says:
Thats intimidating

The Spoony One says:
She'd be okay but I wouldn't want to be the woman in that relationship

LurkerWithout says:
Exactly

The Spoony One says:
If i must choose a Companion I'd get Saffron. She's like Inara only slutty and evil.

LurkerWithout says:
She'd kill you for your rare board games

LurkerWithout says:
Hmmm...Serenity dude I'd nail...

LurkerWithout says:
Tough...

The Spoony One says:
Eeew

The Spoony One says:
No way

LurkerWithout says:
What? Its a poll

The Spoony One says:
I'm out the airlock, I don't care

LurkerWithout says:
Yeah, Simon's the hot one...

LurkerWithout says:
I mean Jayne and Mal have that rugged bad boy thing going...

LurkerWithout says:
And Wash has the cute/funny thing

The Spoony One says:
I'm so not in this conversation

LurkerWithout says:
And Book was distinguished...

LurkerWithout says:
But hot? Hot would be Simon

LurkerWithout says:
And someone already voted for Wash...

LurkerWithout says:
Heh...I scared him away... :p

The Spoony One says:
I'd still bang Kaylee and maybe let one of the guys watch. But that's it.