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10 Basic Rules of D&D
Jun. 11th, 2005 03:42 pmWritten up by my friend Noah...
1. If a female NPC offers to aid you...
Women NPCs are never to be trusted in any role-playing game. DMs think that by introducing a woman to the party, they'll lower their guard and be prime targets for a betrayal down the road. Any woman that volunteers help is almost certainly evil and will betray you at the worst opportunity.
2. If a female NPC is attracted to you...
If a woman is sexually attracted to you...she is a succubus. Always. Regardless of your charisma score, any woman NPC that displays an interest in your character sexually wants to kill you and suck your life force. Accept the fact now that you will never get laid by any NPC and you'll live a lot longer.
3. If while on watch the DM describes ANYTHING happening...
You are about to get jumped like crazy from all sides. If the first words out of his mouth aren't "Your watch passes uneventfully" immediately run around kicking everyone in the party brandishing your weapon. Even if he says all you need to do is relieve yourself, make sure someone with infravision is along to aim.
4. If you ever have to travel on the ocean or sea...
Get ready for an ass whuppin'. DMs never get to use all the nautical monsters in the book, and they pray every day that they can con you onto a boat so they can hit you with them. Traveling on water adds an entirely new dimension to their options as far as directions of attack. They eat this stuff up.
5. If you have to travel by river...
You will be attacked by lizardmen. Lizardmen ambushing parties who are rafting down a river is as old as D&D itself. Lizardmen have the innate ability to smell PCs and rafts from a hundred miles away. And they hate it.
6. Speaking of bodies of water...
If the DM remarks on any pool of water of any kind...something is about to fly out of it and kill you. DMs never remark on a pool of water unless they want you to wade in and search for treasure. There usually IS treasure, but it'll cost you lives or hit points. If the DM says the pool is full of stagnant water, run away quickly and torch the room. Its the only way to be sure.
7. Beware of Mist...
If the DM ever says the word "mist"...you're going to Ravenloft. A DM will never say that word unless you're about to get bitch-slapped by Strahd von Zarovish. Ever. (But never EVER groan and say "Oh no, RAVENLOFT!" because the DM always thinks that he was really clever in setting all this up. If you blow his moment, he'll splatter you before you can say "Lord Soth does HOW much damage?")
8. If a major villain flees from combat...
He's getting away. Just let it go. Get used to recurring villains in your games. DMs will move heaven and earth to make sure his favored NPCs get away, and the more you resist the process, the more frustrated you'll both get. Tust me, he's getting away. Take it with a smile and, believe it or not, your DM will reward you. Try to kill major villian before his time, and you will suffer.
9. If a major villian is talking...
Let the man finish. You'll think it's really cute to just attack him immediately while he's delivering his maniacal monologues, but you must realize that he's trying to be cinematic and add a little drama to the game. If you interrupt a villain's speech, you've just succeeded in pissing the DM off, which is never a good thing. The DM always lets you finish with you heroic speech crap. Let the villain blabber. A little witty exchange is good for everyone, and you'll still kick his ass.
10. If the DM introduces his own PC into the game...
The character is immortal and must not be trifled with. You're better off quitting the game immediately, because DMs who introduce their own characters into a game are typically in love with their own greatness, and the game will be centered around their own PC doing all the heroic stuff while you shine his boots and take down the flunkies.
1. If a female NPC offers to aid you...
Women NPCs are never to be trusted in any role-playing game. DMs think that by introducing a woman to the party, they'll lower their guard and be prime targets for a betrayal down the road. Any woman that volunteers help is almost certainly evil and will betray you at the worst opportunity.
2. If a female NPC is attracted to you...
If a woman is sexually attracted to you...she is a succubus. Always. Regardless of your charisma score, any woman NPC that displays an interest in your character sexually wants to kill you and suck your life force. Accept the fact now that you will never get laid by any NPC and you'll live a lot longer.
3. If while on watch the DM describes ANYTHING happening...
You are about to get jumped like crazy from all sides. If the first words out of his mouth aren't "Your watch passes uneventfully" immediately run around kicking everyone in the party brandishing your weapon. Even if he says all you need to do is relieve yourself, make sure someone with infravision is along to aim.
4. If you ever have to travel on the ocean or sea...
Get ready for an ass whuppin'. DMs never get to use all the nautical monsters in the book, and they pray every day that they can con you onto a boat so they can hit you with them. Traveling on water adds an entirely new dimension to their options as far as directions of attack. They eat this stuff up.
5. If you have to travel by river...
You will be attacked by lizardmen. Lizardmen ambushing parties who are rafting down a river is as old as D&D itself. Lizardmen have the innate ability to smell PCs and rafts from a hundred miles away. And they hate it.
6. Speaking of bodies of water...
If the DM remarks on any pool of water of any kind...something is about to fly out of it and kill you. DMs never remark on a pool of water unless they want you to wade in and search for treasure. There usually IS treasure, but it'll cost you lives or hit points. If the DM says the pool is full of stagnant water, run away quickly and torch the room. Its the only way to be sure.
7. Beware of Mist...
If the DM ever says the word "mist"...you're going to Ravenloft. A DM will never say that word unless you're about to get bitch-slapped by Strahd von Zarovish. Ever. (But never EVER groan and say "Oh no, RAVENLOFT!" because the DM always thinks that he was really clever in setting all this up. If you blow his moment, he'll splatter you before you can say "Lord Soth does HOW much damage?")
8. If a major villain flees from combat...
He's getting away. Just let it go. Get used to recurring villains in your games. DMs will move heaven and earth to make sure his favored NPCs get away, and the more you resist the process, the more frustrated you'll both get. Tust me, he's getting away. Take it with a smile and, believe it or not, your DM will reward you. Try to kill major villian before his time, and you will suffer.
9. If a major villian is talking...
Let the man finish. You'll think it's really cute to just attack him immediately while he's delivering his maniacal monologues, but you must realize that he's trying to be cinematic and add a little drama to the game. If you interrupt a villain's speech, you've just succeeded in pissing the DM off, which is never a good thing. The DM always lets you finish with you heroic speech crap. Let the villain blabber. A little witty exchange is good for everyone, and you'll still kick his ass.
10. If the DM introduces his own PC into the game...
The character is immortal and must not be trifled with. You're better off quitting the game immediately, because DMs who introduce their own characters into a game are typically in love with their own greatness, and the game will be centered around their own PC doing all the heroic stuff while you shine his boots and take down the flunkies.
